open letters to famous people

so, hey, rappers--

is this what we're doing these days? really? throwing people around? hitting them with microphones? is this for street credit now, or are we just looking for ways to get rid of our new riches that don't involve bling and rings that spell things out? are lawsuits the new status symbol? cause you know, lawsuits often cost more than gold teeth and lexus-es. you know? cost a bit more than an alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet.

do we think throwing around fifteen year olds because they threw some small thing at you is a worthwhile thing to do? that it makes us look badass? that it sells records?

what i'm trying to say here is, what is the logic behind this new current trend of beating up people in our own crowds, at your own shows, who clearly paid to be there and so clearly don't hate you as much as you seem to think?

oh wait--they work for you! right? i get it now.

they're plants, sent there to get thrown around, and they get a little hush money, and you get in the press, looking all tough and shirtless. is that it? because publicity about beating up a kid beats publicity about humping a fifteen year old preacher's daughter onstage.

i get it!

you guys are geniuses.

i realize that you two were oh-so-adorable back in the day, but i have to tell you, i get confused.

run it down for me: which is which again?


i know one of you is super-duper skinny, and one of you dresses like a bag lady. and one of you is a blonde now. and crazy. right?

or is that all the same one?

maybe you're both crazy? but only one is blonde. i know that or sure. oh dammit, it's so hard to remember!

which is the crazy bag-lady wannabe and which is the...other one?

thanks.

you were the king once.

really, back in the day, i remember when everyone i knew sang along to your lyrics, wanted to go to your shows, wanted to dance like you, sing like you--wanted to be you.

but those days are gone, my friend. come over here, let me talk to you a minute.

axl. baby. listen to me.

i know on your website you're talking about how you were going to do live earth, and then things went south:

Guns N' Roses or myself will not be performing at Rio Live Earth or Live Earth for a couple of reasons...we were not asked until the last couple weeks...

sure, brother. too short notice for you guys to drop everything for a worldwide event like this one. and they waited till the last second because of what giant stars you are. gotcha.

then you go on to say:

I was asked to perform individually with Lenny Kravitz by the promoters and Mr. Gore. As we were working this out, Lenny unfortunately became injured...

so: the minute lenny kravitz heard you might perform with you, he suddenly "got injured."

...kay.

and then, once you didn't book your flight, lenny got ok again, but no one told you:

Unfortunately, I was not informed that Lenny's performance was reconfirmed until our own explorations and in following the media surrounding the event today.

so let me sum up:

g'n'r won't be playing this HUGE worldwide concert because no one asked you until it was too late, and the second you decided you could participate, everyone affiliated with the thing told you they dropped out and then really didn't.

i'm thinking your time has passed, my friend. the whole "going crazy then kicking everyone out of tne band and never putting out another album" thing might have hurt your career a wee bit.

best to start accepting that.

i know it's been a tough week or two, what with the whole peru being mad about your communist bag, and everything. and so i know this isn't the best news in the world, but it is what it is:

now you're being branded a "home wrecker" by criss angel's wife, and you have to appear in divorce court as proof of his infidelity or whatever. i sympathize--that sucks. but i do have one question.

now, i didn't know criss angel was married, and i read somewhere else where they called her his "secret" wife, so it's possible you didn't know either--he seems like just the kind of guy who might not tell you. so i don't blame you so much for that.

my bigger beef is this: you chose this guy?


i mean, i know you're not the youngest, hottest girl in the world, and some people might may you have a huge mouth, but you seem pretty cool.

so: this guy?



i mean, this guy looks like the jersiest jersey boy to ever leave jersey! (no offense, jersey.)like bon jovi in 1987 minus the class!

i don't love j.t. or anything, but he's a hell of a lot cooler than some guy who can't even spell his (made up) name right.

i'm just saying: buck up, kid. you can do better. don't be "the other woman" for THIS douche.

you gotta be kidding me.

i mean, are you REALLY going to go to newsweek and tell them you got fired because you're black? really?

think about it a little more before you answer.

you strangled patrick dempsey. ( "Patrick and I had a philosophical disagreement that got out of hand and that I regret a great deal.")

then you called costar t.r. knight a "faggot."

("I said a lot of negative things that were never reported, but there was one word that caught everyone’s attention, particularly someone who wasn’t even in the room with us. It was a fight between two men that shouldn’t have happened. But someone heard the booming voice of a black man and got really scared and that was the beginning of the end for me.")

later, you deny every having said it.

then, when you get fired, you say they should have fired the other guy--the guy you insulted. who didn't do anything.

and so now, you say this is all a race issue?

"If a black man can’t get forgiveness in this country, when so many other people like Robert Downey Jr. and the governor of California get second and third chances … I think that says a lot about race and this country where we stand."

are you for real?

"Well, it didn’t help me on the set that I was a black man who wasn’t a mush-mouth Negro walking around with his head in his hands all the time. I didn’t speak like I’d just left the plantation and that can be a problem for people sometime...Some people were afraid of me around the studio. I asked her why, because I’m a 6-foot-1, black man with dark skin and who doesn’t go around saying ‘Yessah, massa sir’ and ‘No sir, massa’ to everyone?"

yeah, you're right. we still expect black people to never look us in the face and say "yes massah."

are you trying to kill your career?

just asking. don't get mad...

you are crazy in the awesomest way.

i was going to write something about in style magazine refusing to cover paris hilton. or maybe it was in touch? probably. doesn't matter, anyway--




i don't know who you are--mika someone--but ou refused to do the story on national news. i mean, you flat out . she wouldn't do the story. she argued with her producers. she shredded it. i mean, you tried to set the damn story on FIRE. you can't beat that for a statement. i hope everyone in the world will watch it. it's awesome (i.e. worth the commercial).

bonus: the amazingly calm and humorous way these other guys seem to be handling your minor (but don't get me wrong, completely justified) meltdown.

my only question: what else was in the news that day? it sounded like something important!


UPDATE: I guess the producers always win in the end:

what is your deal? calm down! so cameron diaz carried a bag that said something you didn't like in chinese.

if you could see all the chinese characters tattooed on all the people that visit your country--most of us don't even know for sure what they say--then you might be even more offended. but i tell you what, wearing a shirt that has a political figure, a bag that has a slogan you don't like, even saying a thing that you don't approve of--well, that's how the world works. telling her she can't carry a bag like that would make your country just that much more like the communist state you are so upset she reminded you that you almost were.

get over it. calm down. she said she was sorry. no big deal.

i appreciate that you're a foreigner in a new land, and maybe things are strange and unfamiliar to you.

but this is not dancing. i know, cause i can't dance, so i know what not dancing looks like.

and if you ever see that little person again (i shouldn't say "midget," right?), tell him that if there's any song in the world he shouldn't be dancing too, it's that "go shorty, it's your birthday song." it's a step back for all of his kind.

i'm sure all the ones that are advancing the cause by pulling a jet plane in a race against an elephant wouldn't appreciate it.

i realize that it would be easy to make this whole blog just about trying to help you. no one needs to know how bad you make yourself look every day more than you do. and that's saying a lot these days.

i don't want this blog to just be about you.

but there is something you need to know.

doing that whole thing about how changed you are, and how you're going to start a home for ex-cons, or a homeless shelter, or whatever else you're planning to do to change the world--

you're just sort of undermining yourself when the first thing you do is go out and get hair extensions the day after you're released.

also: you can't draw. this is a bad idea, letting people see that you spent your time in prison drawing yourself

what did you think would happen?

seriously, when you put this photo of your daughter up on your blog, what did you think people would say?

after all the stuff you have said about how bad the war is, did you think people would find this ironic, or what?

when your blog says things like this:

(which, by they way makes my head hurt, from all the eye-rolling. you're earnestness scares me. truly.)

i just don't understand how you're surprised that people are upset with you.

p.s. basically, to my way of thinking, anyone using a bandanna to cover all their hair doesn't have anyone, and thus looks like they might be in chemotherapy. i'm not judging, i'm just making you aware.)

i know the deal. you used to be a nerd. now, somehow, by some miracle, you're famous, everyone wants to be around you, lots of people think you're hot (though you might ask yourself, do they love you, or your sweet, sensitive, shy, funny onscreen alter-egos? think about it). i imagine it must be hard not to go crazy trying to make up for lost time, getting all the cheerleader babes who didn't talk to you in high school and then dumping them for their hated rival cheerleader (who also never talked to you), etc. i get that.

By day, Braff's usually hanging out at the Washington Square Park dog run, using his terrier, Roscoe, as babe bait; by night, he's haunting bars like the Beatrice Inn, deploying pickup lines such as "You have a nice bottom" and "You have a hot bod." (To ensure a steady stream of nubiles at such excursions, Braff often deputizes a friend of his, a local plastic surgeon, and instructs him to "line up some 9s and 10s for us.")

but man, here's the deal: get yourself under control. pick a girl and stick with her a little while. you know, start with a week, and work your way up, or something. gradually. try another girlfriend soon. people don't like a player (playa?).

either that, or learn to be subtle. charm women with actual personality

"You'd be hard-pressed to find a celebrity who gets into ladies' skirts simply by being a celebrity," says the source. "He's the perfect combination of narcissistic and insecure."

either that, or try not to be so douchey in public. really. it will hurt you in the long run.

i know you have a show, and everything, and you can talk about anyting you want, and all that, but...

how to pee? is this really something girls need to be taught to do? i mean, by you?

just asking. think about it and get back to me.

um...

what?

hey, way to bring back that old-school hollywood "we're just guys being guys and having fun and making movies while you people watch" vibe. seriously. i mean that.

i mean, lately, you're movies have been pretty boring, but i'm always glad to see you out on the town with a new beautiful lady, charming some reporter, walking down the red carpet. i never hear about you being rude, or ignoring someone, or anything like that. and this clip just proves it.

you're a class act, seems to me. (at least, it seems to me.)

good show.

first of all, you're great. you could be a woman president soon/someday. that's amazing, and historical, and awesome. good luck with that. (you're no obama, but i mean...well, you're still pretty great.) and kudos to you on parodying the sopranos so quickly after it came out, so we're not all "what? oh, she's making a joke about that show from three MONTHS ago?"

the thing is, you're whole "what's gonna be the campaign song? everyone wants to know!" is kinda...lame. cause the fact is, unless you're going to pick something like...well, if you had chosen smash mouth, that would have been something we all would have blinked twice at. but like, metallica, or tupac, or something. now THAT would be something we would all care about. anything else, and it's snoresville.

just thought you'd want to know.

oh--kudos on getting johnny sack to be in it, though. a nice touch for the sopranos fans.