open letters to famous people

i realize that you two were oh-so-adorable back in the day, but i have to tell you, i get confused.

run it down for me: which is which again?


i know one of you is super-duper skinny, and one of you dresses like a bag lady. and one of you is a blonde now. and crazy. right?

or is that all the same one?

maybe you're both crazy? but only one is blonde. i know that or sure. oh dammit, it's so hard to remember!

which is the crazy bag-lady wannabe and which is the...other one?

thanks.

you were the king once.

really, back in the day, i remember when everyone i knew sang along to your lyrics, wanted to go to your shows, wanted to dance like you, sing like you--wanted to be you.

but those days are gone, my friend. come over here, let me talk to you a minute.

axl. baby. listen to me.

i know on your website you're talking about how you were going to do live earth, and then things went south:

Guns N' Roses or myself will not be performing at Rio Live Earth or Live Earth for a couple of reasons...we were not asked until the last couple weeks...

sure, brother. too short notice for you guys to drop everything for a worldwide event like this one. and they waited till the last second because of what giant stars you are. gotcha.

then you go on to say:

I was asked to perform individually with Lenny Kravitz by the promoters and Mr. Gore. As we were working this out, Lenny unfortunately became injured...

so: the minute lenny kravitz heard you might perform with you, he suddenly "got injured."

...kay.

and then, once you didn't book your flight, lenny got ok again, but no one told you:

Unfortunately, I was not informed that Lenny's performance was reconfirmed until our own explorations and in following the media surrounding the event today.

so let me sum up:

g'n'r won't be playing this HUGE worldwide concert because no one asked you until it was too late, and the second you decided you could participate, everyone affiliated with the thing told you they dropped out and then really didn't.

i'm thinking your time has passed, my friend. the whole "going crazy then kicking everyone out of tne band and never putting out another album" thing might have hurt your career a wee bit.

best to start accepting that.