open letters to famous people

i know the deal. you used to be a nerd. now, somehow, by some miracle, you're famous, everyone wants to be around you, lots of people think you're hot (though you might ask yourself, do they love you, or your sweet, sensitive, shy, funny onscreen alter-egos? think about it). i imagine it must be hard not to go crazy trying to make up for lost time, getting all the cheerleader babes who didn't talk to you in high school and then dumping them for their hated rival cheerleader (who also never talked to you), etc. i get that.

By day, Braff's usually hanging out at the Washington Square Park dog run, using his terrier, Roscoe, as babe bait; by night, he's haunting bars like the Beatrice Inn, deploying pickup lines such as "You have a nice bottom" and "You have a hot bod." (To ensure a steady stream of nubiles at such excursions, Braff often deputizes a friend of his, a local plastic surgeon, and instructs him to "line up some 9s and 10s for us.")

but man, here's the deal: get yourself under control. pick a girl and stick with her a little while. you know, start with a week, and work your way up, or something. gradually. try another girlfriend soon. people don't like a player (playa?).

either that, or learn to be subtle. charm women with actual personality

"You'd be hard-pressed to find a celebrity who gets into ladies' skirts simply by being a celebrity," says the source. "He's the perfect combination of narcissistic and insecure."

either that, or try not to be so douchey in public. really. it will hurt you in the long run.