open letters to famous people

you gotta be kidding me.

i mean, are you REALLY going to go to newsweek and tell them you got fired because you're black? really?

think about it a little more before you answer.

you strangled patrick dempsey. ( "Patrick and I had a philosophical disagreement that got out of hand and that I regret a great deal.")

then you called costar t.r. knight a "faggot."

("I said a lot of negative things that were never reported, but there was one word that caught everyone’s attention, particularly someone who wasn’t even in the room with us. It was a fight between two men that shouldn’t have happened. But someone heard the booming voice of a black man and got really scared and that was the beginning of the end for me.")

later, you deny every having said it.

then, when you get fired, you say they should have fired the other guy--the guy you insulted. who didn't do anything.

and so now, you say this is all a race issue?

"If a black man can’t get forgiveness in this country, when so many other people like Robert Downey Jr. and the governor of California get second and third chances … I think that says a lot about race and this country where we stand."

are you for real?

"Well, it didn’t help me on the set that I was a black man who wasn’t a mush-mouth Negro walking around with his head in his hands all the time. I didn’t speak like I’d just left the plantation and that can be a problem for people sometime...Some people were afraid of me around the studio. I asked her why, because I’m a 6-foot-1, black man with dark skin and who doesn’t go around saying ‘Yessah, massa sir’ and ‘No sir, massa’ to everyone?"

yeah, you're right. we still expect black people to never look us in the face and say "yes massah."

are you trying to kill your career?

just asking. don't get mad...

you are crazy in the awesomest way.

i was going to write something about in style magazine refusing to cover paris hilton. or maybe it was in touch? probably. doesn't matter, anyway--




i don't know who you are--mika someone--but ou refused to do the story on national news. i mean, you flat out . she wouldn't do the story. she argued with her producers. she shredded it. i mean, you tried to set the damn story on FIRE. you can't beat that for a statement. i hope everyone in the world will watch it. it's awesome (i.e. worth the commercial).

bonus: the amazingly calm and humorous way these other guys seem to be handling your minor (but don't get me wrong, completely justified) meltdown.

my only question: what else was in the news that day? it sounded like something important!


UPDATE: I guess the producers always win in the end:

what is your deal? calm down! so cameron diaz carried a bag that said something you didn't like in chinese.

if you could see all the chinese characters tattooed on all the people that visit your country--most of us don't even know for sure what they say--then you might be even more offended. but i tell you what, wearing a shirt that has a political figure, a bag that has a slogan you don't like, even saying a thing that you don't approve of--well, that's how the world works. telling her she can't carry a bag like that would make your country just that much more like the communist state you are so upset she reminded you that you almost were.

get over it. calm down. she said she was sorry. no big deal.

i appreciate that you're a foreigner in a new land, and maybe things are strange and unfamiliar to you.

but this is not dancing. i know, cause i can't dance, so i know what not dancing looks like.

and if you ever see that little person again (i shouldn't say "midget," right?), tell him that if there's any song in the world he shouldn't be dancing too, it's that "go shorty, it's your birthday song." it's a step back for all of his kind.

i'm sure all the ones that are advancing the cause by pulling a jet plane in a race against an elephant wouldn't appreciate it.

i realize that it would be easy to make this whole blog just about trying to help you. no one needs to know how bad you make yourself look every day more than you do. and that's saying a lot these days.

i don't want this blog to just be about you.

but there is something you need to know.

doing that whole thing about how changed you are, and how you're going to start a home for ex-cons, or a homeless shelter, or whatever else you're planning to do to change the world--

you're just sort of undermining yourself when the first thing you do is go out and get hair extensions the day after you're released.

also: you can't draw. this is a bad idea, letting people see that you spent your time in prison drawing yourself

what did you think would happen?

seriously, when you put this photo of your daughter up on your blog, what did you think people would say?

after all the stuff you have said about how bad the war is, did you think people would find this ironic, or what?

when your blog says things like this:

(which, by they way makes my head hurt, from all the eye-rolling. you're earnestness scares me. truly.)

i just don't understand how you're surprised that people are upset with you.

p.s. basically, to my way of thinking, anyone using a bandanna to cover all their hair doesn't have anyone, and thus looks like they might be in chemotherapy. i'm not judging, i'm just making you aware.)