open letters to famous people

i know the deal. you used to be a nerd. now, somehow, by some miracle, you're famous, everyone wants to be around you, lots of people think you're hot (though you might ask yourself, do they love you, or your sweet, sensitive, shy, funny onscreen alter-egos? think about it). i imagine it must be hard not to go crazy trying to make up for lost time, getting all the cheerleader babes who didn't talk to you in high school and then dumping them for their hated rival cheerleader (who also never talked to you), etc. i get that.

By day, Braff's usually hanging out at the Washington Square Park dog run, using his terrier, Roscoe, as babe bait; by night, he's haunting bars like the Beatrice Inn, deploying pickup lines such as "You have a nice bottom" and "You have a hot bod." (To ensure a steady stream of nubiles at such excursions, Braff often deputizes a friend of his, a local plastic surgeon, and instructs him to "line up some 9s and 10s for us.")

but man, here's the deal: get yourself under control. pick a girl and stick with her a little while. you know, start with a week, and work your way up, or something. gradually. try another girlfriend soon. people don't like a player (playa?).

either that, or learn to be subtle. charm women with actual personality

"You'd be hard-pressed to find a celebrity who gets into ladies' skirts simply by being a celebrity," says the source. "He's the perfect combination of narcissistic and insecure."

either that, or try not to be so douchey in public. really. it will hurt you in the long run.

i know you have a show, and everything, and you can talk about anyting you want, and all that, but...

how to pee? is this really something girls need to be taught to do? i mean, by you?

just asking. think about it and get back to me.

um...

what?

hey, way to bring back that old-school hollywood "we're just guys being guys and having fun and making movies while you people watch" vibe. seriously. i mean that.

i mean, lately, you're movies have been pretty boring, but i'm always glad to see you out on the town with a new beautiful lady, charming some reporter, walking down the red carpet. i never hear about you being rude, or ignoring someone, or anything like that. and this clip just proves it.

you're a class act, seems to me. (at least, it seems to me.)

good show.

first of all, you're great. you could be a woman president soon/someday. that's amazing, and historical, and awesome. good luck with that. (you're no obama, but i mean...well, you're still pretty great.) and kudos to you on parodying the sopranos so quickly after it came out, so we're not all "what? oh, she's making a joke about that show from three MONTHS ago?"

the thing is, you're whole "what's gonna be the campaign song? everyone wants to know!" is kinda...lame. cause the fact is, unless you're going to pick something like...well, if you had chosen smash mouth, that would have been something we all would have blinked twice at. but like, metallica, or tupac, or something. now THAT would be something we would all care about. anything else, and it's snoresville.

just thought you'd want to know.

oh--kudos on getting johnny sack to be in it, though. a nice touch for the sopranos fans.

i don't mean to be hard on you. i know you've been doing this a long time, and most of us grew up listening to your music. i know you're constantly reinventing yourself, and trying to push the limits, and shocking people used to be your thing. i get all that, and i appreciate it. i don't want to knock you cause you're old school--i appreciate that. really.

but i have bad news--you're old. the very thing that gets you all the respect i just offered you is the very reason you can't make videos set in futuristic cityscapes, dressing up in crazy matrix-y outfits, and punch/kick the air. it just...doesn't work. it doesn't look threatening. it looks...funny.

someone needs to tell you.

now this whole parkour free running is awesome, no question,; but it's sort of been done already in that last james bond movie. you're not pushing any envelopes there.

so basically, you look old and silly. just thought you should know.

i appreciate everything you have done for the blogging community. really i do.

don't thin that we're all ungrateful, just because we write about how drunk you always are, or how you can't drive well, or how you're a whore. all those things are...well, they're why we love you.

see, we know people can't get enough, and we can't either, and so we write about you, and talk trash about you, and make you out to be a loser (which we all think you really are, but whatever), and we put up pictures of you holding a knife, and coked up, and in a bra, and any nipple slips (that's not personal, we just love nipples--it's the internet, after all). and people look, and laugh, and that brings us an audience, and we write more, and so on, and so on, until finally one day google shows up to give us money for ads, or some other internet bigshot comes along to offer to pay us to write. it's what we're doing this for, after all--to get paid to do it.

but we do love it. so thanks for helping us break into the business.

we'll try to spread it around, not just dump on you all the time. don't worry, it's not hard!

seriously.

p.s. --and paris! can't forget paris. everything i said here: ditto, p!